I'm in a funk today. There's no hiding that I have a few issues, but I have never really written about them in detail before. I joke about being crazy but that's just my way of dealing with it and keeping things light hearted. Truth is, I have battled depression and anxiety and have had a lot of issues surrounding eating/food. Currently, I am doing great. I'm getting the help I need because I realized after years of trying to "fix it" on my own, that it wasn't something I could just make go away...or live with any longer. And I didn't want Andy to have to live with me like that any longer, either. I know I wasn't pleasant to be around and the last thing I wanted to do was to push him away. So, I've been getting help, made significant improvements and am doing really well. However, I have always had a brain that would JUST-NOT-SHUT-OFF! I mean, my mind is going all the time, rather obsessively. Usually about food and what I should/shouldn't eat, and constantly planning what I'll eat for the next snack, meal, day. It's absolutely draining to have a constant battle going on in your head and right now I just feel like I want to cry.
*deep breath*
Anyway, I know I've been making progress because I'm realizing how much I really do obsess over the food issue and how it's the onset of my anxiety. I always knew I thought about it a lot, but I never realized how bad it was until recently. I think before my depression masked the anxiety I was feeling. But now I feel the anxiety...full force. And it sucks. So, that's it. I'm going to talk to the Doctor about this. I'm sick of feeling mentally exhausted all the time.
Sorry if this was too much information. When I'm feeling like this, I don't like to talk at all, not even to Andy. I wanted to try to write about it to see if it helped as an outlet for some frustration. And you know, I'm actually feeling much better than when I started this post.
Please don't stop following! I'm not that crazy, really!! :-)
21 comments:
Oh girl, I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I know many people that work through very similar issues with anxiety and depression and I have seen first hand how difficult it is. I think you are doing the right thing going to talk to someone and writing about it and getting it out. We wont judge you here. We all have our issues :)
I hope you start feeling like your old self soon. Do you think it was brought on recently after the marathon or were you feeling it beforehand? I know a lot of people (including myself) that start to get down after a big race is over.
It's good to be honest with yourself and to have an outlet! I totally understand the shutting down at times, not wanting to talk. Writing about things can be such a good way to set what is bottled up inside of you free.
Good for you for getting the help that you need and taking charge of your life!
Hey there cutie! Have I told you your pic on the sidebar there is super cute?? You look cold but like a runner!
I'm sorry you are having these issues. I have had similar issues that I push away and then say I am going to go talk to someone about but never do. Pregnancy has definitely helped so far, and training for events. Did this all start with losing weight? I definitely changed when I lost about 25 pounds in college - I blogged about it at some point.
I think working out really helps me but also that I'm crazy about working out and can't take off days or I feel guilty! Anyway, vent anytime, and don't feel bad about it. You aren't crazy and seem like an awesome person!!!
Don't feel bad about writing it on *your* blog...if you can't let out your feelings, thoughts, etc there, then where can you! Sorry that you've going through all this, but I'm happy that you're getting help for it. All the best :0)
Best of luck to you.
I agree with what Laurel said, I know I have battled with anxiety and depression before, so I for one can really relate to this post.
Also agree with Melanie, don't be sorry about anything on your blog, its your blog.
(( hugs}}
Hi Denise - thanks for all your comments yesterday. I'm really sorry to read about you've been struggling with all this. It sounds like having an outlet like a journal or the blog might help from keeping it all bottled up inside. Plus, with a blog, you get all these great folks commenting with support!
Keep writing - and I'll look out for you on Forbidden Drive :)
Hang in there. I think it's healthy and important to have some sort of outlet. Your blog is a fine outlet.
I think you'll find that you're certainly not alone. My mind never shuts off either. It's usually not one thing, but it's constantly going. I can't sleep well often.
Hang in there, and feel free to blog away!
It is absolutely not too much information. Thank you for sharing with us. I haven't experienced the same thing, but I do struggle with food/eating issues on a constant basis. I am stuck in a 'fat girl' mentality and have to work really hard to get around that.
I'm glad you are recognizing that you have some things to work on, and are getting the help you need. We're here to 'listen' any time.
((HUGS))
{{HUGS}} Denise.
And I'm glad you have this outlet to voice what's eating you up. Everyone has to have some way to vent before it builds up too much. I know I've revealed things in my blog that I haven't voiced to anyone, & it surprises the few people who know me & actually read my blog.
Hang in there...
I'm with you on the anxiety....and I'm sure multitudes of other runners are too! That's what makes us like running; it burns off the stress and anxiety. I too can never stop thinking! Running is the only time I go on autopilot for a little bit.
WOW! I feel like I just read my own thoughts in your words. I have suffered from Depression and anxiety my entire life. about six years ago it was causing me to stop running, cause it gave me anxiety to run alone (we had just moved) and then I started to gain weight. It was the worst it had ever been. I finally went to the Dr, because my hubby told me it was the only way he would stick around. I went on some meds that helped. But the weight continued to pile on. I already stressed about food and what to eat and what not to eat, so this was hell for me. I went of those meds and eventually my Dr found the right one for me. No more weight gain and a sex drive. Six years later I am still on those meds. To be honest I am scared to ever stop taking them. Scared for my kids and for my hubby. I am not normal when I am off them.
Thanks for sharing your info, it really does help to talk about, to be honest and to not pretend. You are an ispiration.
i think its so great that you opened up and shared like this!! the blogger network has so much support and its good to be open and honest about things. keeping things inside just make them harder to deal with. i havent personally had problems with this but someone very close to me has and so i know how hard it is. you are doing the right things and are on the right path!
Denise, I don't claim to know how you feel but I deal with anxiety too, and running does help with it as I'm sure you know. Don't feel bad about sharing, that's what blogs are for. I think a lot of us runners have our fair share of issues:)
I feel for you, I really do.
I suffer from depression myself.
I'm very happy to hear that you've sought medical help for this. You're absolutely right ~~ there's no need to suffer through this. You deserve to be happy & healthy!
Your truth is never TMI, remember that. Your truth will not only set you free but will help others be freed as well. Truth inspires!
I have a post all drafted about my own struggles with food, but I'm not brave enough to post it or talk to anyone about it.
You're doing the right thing, and best wishes on the way back up. I know you'll get there. :o)
We all understand, I think women in general deal with this, you are not alone!!!!! THANK YOU FOR BEING REAL WITH US!
Hi Denise,
I saw your comment over on Cross-Country2, so I jumped on over. Don't feel bad about spilling your guts on your blog. I've dealt with depression on and off since I was a teenager (and probably even before that, although not officially diagnosed), and had a severe bout of anxiety a couple years back. It definitely helps to have a way to talk things through and to get it out.
I am also familiar with the racing mind- it can make you feel crazy, for sure. I'm sorry that you're dealing with these things- I hope it gets better soon. One of the main things that helped me with the anxiety was trying not to dwell on the negative so much, and looking for the positive in things (even little things... a gratitude journal can be very helpful). It also helps to look for ways to do things for others (not to overburden yourself, but just to turn your focus outward).
And definitely keep up the running- the physical exercise is many times just as good as medication. I don't mean to hog your comment space or anything, and I hope I don't offend. I just wanted to offer some support and encouragement, from someone who's been there. Luckily I'm in a good spot right now, but I still have bad days. Good luck to you!!!
Oh, and good luck with your personal training cert, too. That's very cool.
You are not alone!! You'd be surpised at how many of us obsess about food and how it affects our lives. And I hear you about depression. You don't have to deal with it alone. We're here for you!! And shoot, you'll have to kick me off before I stop following your blog. :-)
*big hug*
Thanks for posting this. Writing your thoughts and feelings down is one way to work through your anxiety.
As a physician I can tell you that I hear exactly "your story" multiple times a day from many patients.
Do you know what I prescribe more than any drug? antidepressants/ mood enchancers
We live in a world where we are subjected to so many outside pressures and influences. When you feel out of control it certain parts of your life you react by taking total control in others which leads to anxiety/depression. Of course if it is chemical then you don't have much control over it unless you take medicine to counteract it.
Look this is not your fault and the good thing is that there is a fix to this. There are so many great medicines out there that help you stay in control.
Life is to short to live with anxiety or depression. If you only knew what I hear and see daily you wouldn't be afraid.
PS: see your Dr. and get feeling better about life.
BTW, every soul here goes through the same thing you are going through at one time or the other.
New House = stress.
Hang in there Sis!
Thanks for sharing Denise. I have been suffering from depression off and on for many years! I felt like I was reading my thoughts in your post. Hope you feel better soon. I hate that funk.
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